“Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell.”
― Edna St. Vincent Millay
Sometimes it surprises me how many times a day I think of them. Never a day goes by that I don't, and not just once, so many times a day. The pain, it never goes away, I don't care what people say. You just learn how to live a new life without them because you have no other choice. You have to build an almost impenetrable tough skin just to survive. If you don't, that hurt could kill you. Sometimes I feel like I'm dying anyway. Others, they don't understand, so you just try and keep it to yourself. You don't want pity, you just want back what you've lost. I know everyone loses someone; I know that, but why did so much get taken? Why did they all have to go? I have so much, I know that. I'm grateful for the people and things I've been blessed with, but all through my life there is and will be a huge aching gap that will never go away. So many things I want them to see and experience with me. I want to feel the hugs, I want to hear them say, "Kris, I'm so proud of you," again. I want to hear their laughs, hold their hands and just have my life back with them. I want them to meet my kids. I just want it all back.
4 comments:
I know you don't want pity, but I am sorry. I do not think that it is fair. I could not imagine being in your shoes. I know you can't hear them say it, but they are proud of you. I love you Kristy and I want them back too, for you. I often get mad at myself for getting upset at my parents, because I know that you don't have your parents here to get upset at... makes you stop and think. I wish they they were here. ♥
I know. Don't be mad at yourself. Sometimes I feel guilty because I had so much, much more than a lot of people, and when you put this against losing a child, having a sick baby...things of those sort, well, this is nothing. It was something to me, though. xoxoxox
You were a great daughter (and granddaughter) to them! You loved them so completely and so unselfishly. It's perfectly fine for you to need to vent and share your feelings. You are such a special, wonderful mother (and friend. I think you have become an even BETTER mother b ecause you know to cherish every moment with your family. Some people don't. I am thankful to be your friend because you are "the bomb and a bag of chips" or something like that, right? I LOVE YOU!
Kel, that is true. I know the value of life and each day. I TRY and never say, "I wish this day was over." When dad was sick I never said that, b/c I knew it was one less day I had with him. I just wanted so badly to take care of them, and I tried, but I couldn't make it go away. I just miss 'em. That's all. I don't feel sorry for myself too often. There is no use in that, but when you see your friends and family complete and whole, it sure does make you feel empty. I love you, and so long as I'm not Funyuns, I'm cool with being chips.
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